Hide and Seek

I haven't posted much in the past few weeks. Life has been rather crazy (which is the excuse), and I've been mad at God, I think (which is the reason - why do I want to write about God's love when I'm ticked off at the Big Guy???).

This morning I was listening to the classic hymn, "Be Thou My Vision." It's a classic Reformation hymn, but I love Phil Keaggy's version of it - with Celtic-style instrumentation and a rock back-beat. Awesome. I didn't listen intentionally - it came on my music player while I was exercising. I was lost in thought and didn't even realize I was listening to it until one of the verses hit me in the solar-plexus -

"Be Thou my breastplate, my sword for the fight. Be Thou my armor, and be Thou my might. Thou my soul's shelter and Thy my high tower. Raise Thou me heavenwards, o Power of my power!"

Yeah... I've been feeling rather embattled on many fronts lately - and as I listened to that verse, I realized that I am feeling angry at God because I don't feel like I'm being protected from much. I don't feel that security that the full armor of God should bring. And I'm not relying much on God's strength - I'm still trying to pull it off myself. No wonder I'm exhausted!

I started wondering why... why is it that God seems so far away at times like these? All sorts of theological answers come to mind, but a thought from a book I read recently keeps pounding in my head - a spiritual director, speaking to his directee, suggested that God's absence from her life may be by design - God may be hiding and she is to consciously seek God out - like a game of Hide and Seek. But instead of God being the seeker, it is she who searches.

It's Biblical, but that really flustered me, theologically-speaking. After all, isn't the point of the Christian faith that we now have full access to God? We don't need an intermediary! We have a relational God who is seeking US out for relationship. But here this author was saying that there are times God pulls away from us - never so far away that he is inaccessible, but far enough that it requires us to search.

As a child, I never liked the game of Hide and Seek. As the seeker, I felt a sense of panic after the first few hiding spots had been checked - "what if I can't find my friend???" As the hider, it seemed an eternity to be in a small, cramped space trying to be still and silent (neither of which I am particularly good at in the best of conditions). So goody... now I get to play some Hide and Seek with God. And it's that sense of panic I feel agitating in my soul - "what if I can't find God again?"

And here comes the Christmas story. For many years, the idea that has touched my heart most deeply is the concept of Immanuel (which is Hebrew, and means, "God with us"). The thought that the Creator of the all things could take such an interest in this tiny little planet on the far end of a tiny little solar system really boggles the mind. But yet God came... in the form of a tiny baby who grew to be the New Adam, our Great High Priest, the Lamb of God, a prophet, and a healer. God came. And God stayed. Immanuel.

Now, I've got to seek out the One Who Hides. I know He is not far, but God wants me to keep searching until I find Him in a new place. Until then, I will put ON my armor (instead of diving into battle without it), and allow its presence to guard and comfort my searching soul.

Hallelujah, Immanuel.